Call It Aftermath She's Turning Blue

Let me recount to you a tale of heroism...

Ron and I are working at the Cumberland UPS Store this past Saturday. It's not terribly busy or slow, just... so-so. I have recently bought a bagel and a soda. All is right in the world. Then a woman enters. The words she speaks into her blue-tooth ear piece are, I will find, deeply ironic:

"Don't do this to me now, I'm in a public place."

The tone is set for some fun now. She is not speaking low, as the use of ear-pieces require audible vocalization for the ear piece, which is no where near the direction the mouth opens. So she's speaking at normal level or louder. Okay, not terrible, she's just having a conversation.

Wrong.

"I said I want to f*cking be with you forever, and I meant it."

That's good, now we have a domestic squabble. That's cool, that's... you know, alright. Some jerk boyfriend! But apparently he's hysterical, bawling and stuff, making a mess of himself. All the while he is driving. Except he doesn't know where he is. The large woman is very irritated with her ear-piece boyfriend. Then a pause.

"What? I can't hear you! Did you get in an accident! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!"

Yes, an automobile accident. And the initial reaction of "what's wrong with you" begins to echo through out what happens. Fatty gets off that line and calls "Jeff." Then we find something interesting out. The boyfriend is actually the girlfriend. Yes, lesbians. Fat lesbians yelling on the phone, hooray! And then, better yet, Jeff is gay. A deal is struck!

"You call her, and I'll call yours and calm him down."

All will be made right soon. The big lesbian calls her girlfriend back, and now she's conciliatory. Tells her Jeff is coming as soon as they drop off the Mercedes. Why drop off the Mercedes?

"The exhaust dropped off."

Now through out this event, the woman has been cursing, quite vocally. This has taken her over an hour to do. She's folding envelopes and packing at our counter through out. Ron and I are just standing in awe. Ron is extremely uncomfortable, and I am amused to an equal level. This is great stuff.

Finally, she approaches to make her transaction.

Her: "How has your day been."

Me: "Interesting."

Her: "Not as interesting as mine."

Me: "Yeah I heard you talking with someone..."

Her: "That was my wife."

Yes, we have a gay marriage, torn apart, come to find, because our land bound lesbian Shamu was not in the mood to cut her wife's hair. That is the root cause of this. As it turns out, I cannot help her. Seems The UPS Store charges too much. With that, she leaves, her only gift to us in return for the used space, a delightfully story, here recounted.