Recently I have had an epiphany. I know what you're saying: "Mike, you have a new epiphany every g*dd*amn week" And you would be right, but this does nothing to lesson the impact these profundities have upon my consciousness!
Experience is the fundamental building block of the self. Our ability to draw upon our unique experiences is what makes us both sentient and individual. It is at the core of our closest ties and the vast gulfs between us.
I have very few experiences.
No wonder no one remembers me! No wonder I am so "normal!" I have little more than the most base experiences shared by most 21 year old over-intelligent young men! Nothing to make me individual! Nothing to make me stand out! I am little more than 21 years of avoiding developing a personality! My experience-poverty is what made me so miserable for so long! Lets use another exclamation point! More still!!!!!
But all enthusiasm aside, this is a huge realization. The reason I am changing so rapidly now is that I am gathering experiences. Ever since I met Kam and realized the source of her happiness was the way she lived life with open eyes, I've been experiencing like I never did before. Each moment is something I want to be rich, and full, and add to who I am. The side effect is that the human being I am is changing at an incredible pace. It's hard to reconcile with my core self... the identity I've held for so long. The foundation on which I'm built. I do not have skills to process change at this rate... and it's difficult.
And I'm only scratching the surface. I do here by declare I will experience more still. Life is not an elegant narrative. It is an act. You do not observe it, you live it. Living is a conscious effort. A decision is made. I will live. No more being scared of all that could go wrong. Because failure is an experience too... and experience is good.
-Chow
